Tandem Fandom

Mentally pat yourself on the back for making it to the cycling session when your inner demons were doing their very best to talk you out of it this morning. 

Be amazed that you’ve not only got back on a bike (the non-exercise kind) after more than thirty years away from cycling, but you're also about to embark on your first ever tandem ride. 

Quash the thought that arises as you settle yourself onto the saddle about how the distance between you and your male ride leader isn't very shariah compliant. 

Get underway and suppress the urge to say something witty about how all your years of building up a cushioned derriere have been in vain, given how little time it's taken for the seat to become a complete pain in the arse. 

Apologise profusely for being difficult when you ask to stop thirty seconds later, and every thirty seconds after that, because your thighs are burning way too much for you to continue. (Note to reader: not from their proximity to the aforementioned ride leader.) 

Try to distract yourself from the pain by marvelling at the fact that your bulk on the back of the bike hasn’t sent the front into the air and forced the entire ride to be conducted in wheelie mode. 

Turn down the kindly offer to dismount and walk the rest of the way and dig deep for the strength to override the ‘stop now please, you're killing me’ switch as you take on the final stretch. 

Spot the camera and pre-groan at the joke your family will make about how you've found your next husband when they see a pic on social media tonight of you on the back of some bloke’s bike. 

Cross the finish line elated and triumphant and do your best to stop any other stupid thoughts entering your head so you can revel in the euphoria a little while longer. 


(With thanks to Peter and Leicester Wheels For All)

The story behind the poem

This in one of three bike-themed poems published in Ride On, an anthology of creative writing about the cycling experiences of women from diverse backgrounds. The others are BBQ Bike and Probably not the kind of ‘first cycling memory’ prompt-inspired poem you were expecting to find here. This poem and Probably not… were born in the writing workshop led by Sarah M Jasat as part of the Ride On project. The dedication at the end of the poem is for the wonderful organisation that made the ride possible.